"Tackle the most challenging task first." Often, this is the advice given to those of us immobilised by procrastination or overwhelm. So, here goes.
My internal landscape seems to me a constant whirl of words and thought, surging to be let out, but always suppressed, swallowed as though it would erupt as an indecorous burp in the middle of a formal dinner. I'll be honest and admit that I've felt much discomfort from trying to keep in the reflux.
No more of this. I'll write if I have to.
What has kept me from writing? I have no reservations writing anonymously, but there is also little impetus for doing so. Perhaps as a kind of exercise or practice it may be worth something, but there is also something inauthentic about writing behind a mask. There is the secret desire that someone out there would find my words worth reading. There is, at the same time, the safeguard - if no one reads this, nothing is lost. But, neither is anything gained. Writing needs an audience, and what is it without one?
I think it is time that I wrote as me, to an imagined audience of family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, both present and future. Pride manifesting itself as self-consciousness prevents me from doing so. It strikes fear in the heart - mainly fear that baring my thoughts (and heart) so openly before others would mean I am judged. This is fuelled by some illusion that I could otherwise be untouched by man's opinion. But the truth is that no one is safe from the judgements of others. Attempting to keep myself safe from the judgement of others has only meant greater isolation - I am somewhat kept from man's opinion, but I have also given up chance to possibly connect in a greater manner with others.
What if, through my words, others are come to know me in greater measure? What if our friendship is deepened by openness, authenticity and a greater measure of freedom? What if future friends are drawn to connect with me by what I write?
If not, nothing is lost, but the burden of words I bear.
And so, welcome, friends and future friends. It is to you I am writing - as honestly as I can.