A Single Step

There was a week-long struggle. I had been nominated for a role, which would require me to contribute in a more significant manner at work. I felt apprehensive about my own ability, uncertain this was the right thing for me, unsure that I was ready. I considered telling my bosses my feelings upfront. I almost decided that I should tell the interview panel straight off that I didn't feel ready. But, I just didn't feel at peace about doing so.

There was uneasiness, yet accompanied by the undeniable conviction that the act of going for the nomination interview, instead of closing that door, would be a step of faith - a step ordered by God. I didn't want to do it, and procrastinated about preparing for as long as I could. Still, I did it. 

I went for the interview, having prepared all I could, and didn't breathe a word at all about being less than ready, far from adequate. There was some turmoil. 

Had it gone well, I might never have had thought it needful to write. No, it went awkwardly. There were questions I could not answer, and many encouraging smiles from the kind interviewers in their attempt to eke out a lengthier, more well-informed response from me, all to little avail. It went embarrassingly. The impulse to call it quits was quick to hit, the moment I left the interview room. The felt need for a career contingency plan presented itself readily.

And yet, a mere hour or so later, peace arrived. The uneasiness, embarrassment, apprehension were all gone. The joy found in doing each waiting task returned. There was a newfound commitment to develop myself professionally. The self-doubt departed, being dismissed as irrelevant. This quiet assurance came - that it is possible to keep on walking this path. This is not assurance that promises a known destination: the destination envisioned by the organisation, my bosses, my peers, society at large, or even myself. All that is known is the voice which has called me to keep on keeping on - taking each step ordered by Him alone. 

Remembering, tonight, that this was how it all started. That first step. That lack of certainty of a destination. This was enough. It still is. 

"Take your time... Walk as far as you like and then return."

"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."  Isaiah 30:21 (ESV)

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and He delighteth in his way." Psalm 37:23 (KJV) 

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." Hebrews 11:8 (NIV)

Reservations are now being accepted

Day after day, I have left the pages of this blog virtually blank. Can't I even find something to say?

It is a mixture of doubt, confused purposes, poor organization and conflicting priorities that has led to its neglect. Unlike an overgrown garden, however, this feels more like a boarded-up beach house, which calls out daily for summer and guests, guests, guests. This blog wants to be lived in. 

Re-reading my favourite blogs recently, I found myself wondering why I am so often drawn to them, whilst others make their way into my blogroll, but are not often more than glanced upon. 

Of course, there is that connection and resonance with my values, likes, style, concerns. But there is also these : authenticity and lifelikeness. I find myself reading and re-reading, anticipating blog entries when what I read makes me feel This is real! Things are told as they are. I like especially to read about days as they are, moments captured and somehow conveyed to me the reader intact such that they arrive almost untarnished (but can they ever be?). 

And, I've come to realize, that although blogs with recipes (not food blogs per se!) occupy a large part of my blogroll, I favour those which share recipes which were part of a real meal, intended to feed real people, not so much cooked so that they could primarily feed blogrolls. 

I love reading blogs which are full of the miscellany of life. If I wanted Perfect Pictures of Airbrushed Cakes, I'd read a cookbook (I love doing that, by the way). If I was on a quest for the Best Croissant Recipe, I may trust one that's on a blog, but I would be reading the blog not as a blog-genre blog, but as an informational test-genre blog, which is a strange thing that I am convinced actually exists nowadays. 

But if it is a blog I am reading, I'd love it to contain bits of this, and bits of that, which remind me of all the bits of this and that in my own life that would usually belong to the realm of triviality, and thus the Realm of the Unnoticed and Unimportant, and even the Unseen.

Why is triviality so attractive, I often wonder? Perhaps it is that life cannot be lived without trivialities. Perhaps it is a fight against labeling some things as important and everything else as not. What's worth words, and what's not? 

I don't really know, honestly. And perhaps, that not-knowing is precisely what's kept this little beach house so tightly boarded up, all these months. 

It's time to unscrew those boards. Boldly. Welcome in, reader.